Re-membering Pets Collective Document

Re-membering Pets

Over a few months of Canadian summer, people from Australia and North America connected using the World Wide Web through a blog (web log) about their relationships with pets. A narrative practitioner posted questions on the Remembering Pets blog – www.rememberingpets.blogspot.com - to ask for people’s stories about the meaning and role of pets in their lives and how animals have sustained them through difficult or challenging times. People shared their stories about their pets from present and past and sent in photos. Photos, a video and some of the responses about people’s relationships with their dogs and cats were posted on the blog website. Using people’s responses to the posted questions, various themes were identified and this document attempts to summarize these themes about meaning and significance that pets impart in our lives.

Please note that if you participated in this project and have concerns about how your words have been quoted, or if you would like to comment, please email rememberingpets@gmail.com. If you have general feedback to make after reading this document please also feel free to email.

Themes:

Pets as family members:

In how some people spoke about their pets, it was clear that pets are considered family members and not just “pets”. For some, animals are just pets but for many they are more – they are family.

“Yup I’m a sucker for our dogs looking at me at 5am as the kids have woken everyone up and as if the dog says with a sigh ‘let’s get going’. And a smile comes across her face and mine too as we start another day together as a family!”

“Onyx completes our family and it is nice to come home everyday to have someone excited to see you.”

“Bringing Little dog and Big dog to my life was like expanding my family.”

“They’re like a loved family member that you truly cherish and are devastated once they’re gone.”

“I suppose you could say he was our first “family”.”

This status as a “family member” sometimes requires that we take action that is out of the norm or exceptional – in order to ensure the entire family (pet included) can participate.

“Tuffy was part of our family. She went everywhere with us. I remember my parents would “break rules” to have her with us. Like taking her on vacation and having her stay in hotel rooms where pets were not allowed. My mom even tried taking her into the parliament buildings inside her coat when we went for a tour.”

Not only did many refer to pets as family members, several people spoke also of how the presence of a pet constituted what was “home”. This suggests that a place without a pet might not be a “home” for some and perhaps that it is less about where we are and more about who is with us that creates a sense of home.

“I went away for a month last year to live on my own. I was miserably lonely. After 10 days I flew back to get my cat. Once I had him with me I was fine. It felt like home once I had him to greet me at the door.”

“When we didn’t have a dog it felt like that our home didn’t have a soul.”

A couple of people identified that while they may not live with other humans, having a pet meant that they lived with family. A presence of a pet can keep feelings of loneliness at bay and be a comfort whether a person lives alone or lives with other humans.

“It’s really a relief to feel like I have another family member – definitely not lonely having him around.”


Offering friendship:

In addition to being family members, for some pets are also viewed as friends. People shared how their pets offer a unique kind of friendship – one that asks very little in return and is grateful for whatever is given to them.

“Pets have always been a friend when you need them even when you can’t find a human friend. I know they always seem to appreciate your time whether it’s a few quick pats or a calm relaxing stroke that lets you both enjoy the moment.”

“…and as soon as he saw me he jumped on my lap and put his paw in my shoulder. That was the beginning of another very significant friendship.”

“I also value the special relationship that the three of us have created. I value their companionship and the joy they bring to my life.”

“He is truly my very best friend.”


Feeling loved and supported by one’s pet:

People named a myriad of feelings they experienced with their pets – in addition to happiness and fun, love and support were frequently identified. A pet’s steady presence and unwavering love translates into support for us. We recognize this support, receive it, and appreciate it. People also simply enjoyed seeing their pets’ unique expressions of love and happiness. Pets let us know in various ways that they do indeed love us – the looks pets give us and their responses at the door confirm for us that our pets love and care for us just as we care for them. In fact, being met at the door with excitement after a long day at work feels very acknowledging and welcoming!

“He always like to be a little ahead in the water though…he continually looks back at me to check that I’m there, in the water and on land, and in that I know he loves me and wants to make sure I’m still there, and safe. That feels amazing.”

“Charlie gives love – and keeps on giving it. Charlie is eternally happy – a pure, innocent, bouncy happiness that cannot be ignored. Regardless of what you’re going through, he demands attention to his happiness, which of course is infectious.”

“There is something about his steadiness and commitment to me which is nice. Even though he is friendly with everyone in the neighborhood, he always comes home to me and always greets me when I get home.”

“His excitement to see me be it a separation of 2 minutes or 2 hours is heartwarming. And I too adore seeing his face whenever I look at him.”

“Raph offers me the experience of being loved, through each moment of each day – even when he’s had enough and is napping (which is often), there is still, for me, that sharedness that means so much.”

“When I come home from work she greets me by jumping at me insisting on me picking her up but I don’t pick her up instantly because she’ll will accidentally do pee pee on me. She then proceeds to say I Love you in a barking fashion. Now you may think…yeah right…well it is true it sounds like a howl that has the same syllable breaks as actually saying I love you.”

“I love how they pant with excitement and meet me at the door…”

“Miresa gives us unconditional love at all times. We could just be going out to the mailbox and the thirty seconds that we have been gone is a lifetime to her and she greets us as so.”

“He gives me a lot of love – greets me at the door, comes when I call him, sleeps on my pillow most nights.”

“My pet makes me happy, e.g., when I come home from work he’s always there and always glad to see me and he makes me feel wanted and welcome.”

“…when I come home, they both express their joy to see me. Big dog jumps at me as soon as I open the door, and Little dog positions himself in a “pick up” position for me to hold him.”

“Joe is particularly good at greeting me when I get home. We have a routine where he comes running out to the car and jumps in even before I can get out. I always say “Hi bubby! How’s my favorite cat?” He trots along side me as I come into my home. This was particularly special to me during times when I felt a desire to have someone to come home to.”

“She always follows me around and waits by the door when I go away. She goes nuts when I come home.”

“Pets bring happiness to my life. I know before I got the first kitten, the house seemed a little empty. Now when I come in the door, all these little faces look up at me as if to say “I missed you…thanks for coming back”. I love it.”

Within our connection to pets, some people referred to a kind of “two-way caring” that occurred between themselves and their pet. We receive the love and support from our pets, but we also give caring back to them. We take care of them but pets also take care of us in unique ways. As mentioned, seeing a pet’s excitement to see us return home, adds to our knowledge that pets care about us – and just knowing that pets care is sustaining.

“I have come to learn that caring is not unidirectional.”

“She also gives me a lot of love. I can tell that she worries about me.”

“I have experienced a sense of me contributing to their lives, and them contributing to mine.”


Feeling supported and sustained through difficult times by one’s pet:

While many people expressed that they felt loved by their pets and that they experienced this love as a type of support, some people shared that their pets had been of particular assistance through hard times. For some it is that pets can sense when we are in pain and know when to come to us, for others it was the steady presence of their pet and their pets’ love that was helpful or nourishing. Pets give unconditional love and this love sustains us through difficult times.

“I simply cannot imagine how I could have gotten through the past 10 years without him by my side. I lost both my mother and second father in the past 2 years and thank g-d Sammie has been there with me. What a quiet and potent source of inspiration, love, and steadfastness his is and has been.”

“I appreciate his little purring body when he lays on my hurting heart.”

“During a very hard time in my life, the vet told me I should put her down and I said, “No, she should live.” To which, he said okay, and we did surgery. And she lived. I think this was mostly will-power on her part. I think she knew I needed her.”

“From the outset, Charlie traveled with me…and I still consider that it was his presence that preserved my sanity.”

“When you break up from a girlfriend – you knew you could always go to him and he was there for you and he made the tears go away.”

“I like to think/pretend that Charlie notices when I’m going through a hard time…but he doesn’t really. When times were hard for me, I used to have him sleep on my bed with me. This was such a comfort to have a living, breathing, warm presence with me. Now that I’m partnered, there’s a ‘no dogs on the bed’ rule…and I really miss being able to have him up for a cuddle when I’m sad. Charlie doesn’t notice when I’m sad – he just loves the bonus of being let in the house; allowed on my lap; etc.”

“The day my mother died I came home and sat on the floor with my dog, crying. He sat there with me and pushed his face into my neck, and just stayed there with me.”

“Ella was part of what kept me linked to good people during a time when it felt like my whole life was falling apart.”

“…exercise is helpful when I’m sad. It’s easy to decide to walk Charlie because he needs it…rather than take myself for a walk because I need it.”

[in response to whether a pet notices when they are going through a hard time:] “Yes he does notice; he becomes more smoochy.”


Feeling protected by one’s pet:

In addition to the love and support that pets give us so freely, several women mentioned that their dogs give them protection or safety. The presence of our pets helps us feel safe in a potentially dangerous world as we know our animals stand guard for us.

“I love to walk at night, and you can’t really, safely as a woman alone in the city, however I always feel safe with him, down by the seawall at 1 am, even though I know deep down, he doesn’t really have the capacity to hurt anyone.”

“When alone, I feel much more safe sleeping in the house with my dog in it.”

“When they bark at strangers who approach me I know they are being protective until I give them assign that is ok…”


Feeling known or understood by one’s pet:

Pets understand our actions and us as unique individuals in ways that humans might not be able to sense or discern. Pets are perceptive of our moods and provide a mirror of our actions and as a result they can give us support in their special ways. Because we feel understood by our pets we are also able to receive their caring and support when it is provided. Related to a theme that will be discussed later in this document, feeling understood by our pet allows us to be “ourselves”.

“He knows how hard I work, and how much I give in that context. He sometimes looks at me with disapproval when I have taken myself (and him) into another session when he thinks we should be going home.”

“Miresa always knows when either me or Theresa is not feeling well. She comes to us and cuddles. She won’t leave our sight until we feel better.”

“He notices I’m good looking with a strong physique and that I’m just me and I’m there for him.”

“My cats can tell when I need a cuddle.” … “My cats always know when I’m sick or overtired…they lay with me on the bed and cuddle me.”


Offering something that people can’t offer:

Pets give us something that is unique and different to what humans can. This is an important factor in the relationships we have with our pets. Pets give their affection so freely and unconditionally, they provide good company, they don’t speak, judge, or gossip – these unique qualities translate into the special-ness of what pets offer us. It is significant that pets are different to people. Our relationships with them are different and thus we can experience our pets and ourselves in a different way.

“Animals don’t seem to harbour the same feelings as people, and don’t seem to “keep score” when you haven’t always had enough time.”

“With both I can talk in English and Spanish and they understand both languages therefore they get to know me in both cultural languages.”

“Pets can be good company so that when the house is empty of other people you don’t feel quite so alone.”

“This has been the greatest love affair of my life”

“It was great to have a mate you could tell anything to, and know it wouldn’t be blabbed everywhere and never having to worry about backchat or disagreement. If only we humans could relate in the same way.”

“When I have been sad in my life, I have sobbed laying my head right on his tummy – when I am happy, I have danced with him and run around and wrestled him.”

“He reminds me of all that is good in living creatures. When he playful and happy, running around in circles in a grassy field and playing with another dog, I feel a sense of happiness and joy unmatched in me, living vicariously through him and his freedom, his pure joy and also just so happy that he is having fun.”

“I deeply appreciate the fact that he doesn’t talk. I think words can be a hindrance for me during emotionally painful times, his quiet steady presence is extremely comforting and soothing.”

“I can be unrestrained also – in talking, loving, expressing me in my world.”

“I really like enjoying nature with her. Taking her for walks on trails, going to the lake, taking her in the canoe, going snowshoeing with her.”

[in response to what you value about having a pet]: “Having another life going on parallel to mine.”

“You can cry a lot around them. They never judge you. Never say anything mean to you. They will always be there for you. They always appreciate love.”

“I am allergic to animals and I can’t imagine living without one.”


Being in ways that we can’t with people:

In addition to offering us something that other humans can’t, pets allow us to be in ways with them that we can’t be with people. Pets see sides of us that we might be unable or unwilling to show others and as a result they know us in ways that humans don’t. For some of us these “pet moments” are beneficial as knowing ourselves through our pet’s eyes helps us construct an alternate identity of ourselves. One person wrote that because of her pet she knew she had qualities that humans might not see. Another shared that she had a special “doggy voice” she would use with her pet. Pets are an audience to parts of us and our identities that we might not share with others – these parts contribute to the rich sense of ourselves we have. Pets provide an audience to us being “ourselves” in a way that people can’t witness.

“Emily and Sophie saw a silly part of me and a very soft part of me that I am reluctant to show others.”

“I am more silly with Miresa.”

“I can be goofier or more rhetorical, I guess.”

“Having a pet is so meaningful to me – it’s an act of mutual love between two living beings that can just be themselves; no pretending.”

[they know] “How much love I have to give. That I am patient (I am much more impatient with humans.”

“I have cried with my dog when I am really sad and not wanted to be around people.”


Feeling connected to pets:

Animals are different than humans. Despite of or because of our differences we are able to communicate and connect. People shared their experiences of connection to their pet and how the feelings between humans and pets run bi-directionally. A special space of connection is created between pets and people where we can understand them and feel understood.

“I talk with him about how lovely this is in tones that he understands – then he responds with a mightier tail wag. He knows when I relax into a moment – we are both more vibrant.”

“He has a look in his eyes when he’s sad and you know he needs a cuddle. He has a way of sighing that means he’s relaxed…or that he’s sad.”

“I love to touch, to feel softness, to fairly often relate to another – perhaps because I am a twin. So Raph and I talk together frequently through a day, and I construct lovely parts of my world from within this interaction.”

[he] “Puts his nose on the tip of my nose and just sits there with me looking into each other’s eyes. [he] jumps over me with unrestrained joy when I return from a 10 minute absence.”

“Onyx gets ‘sleepy eyes – they are half closed and I can just feel that she is relaxed and happy. We have great eye contact which I love.”


Offering roles we might not otherwise have access to: Responsibility

Pets provide us with opportunities to be in ways we might not otherwise have access to. For example, several people spoke of a role of “responsibility” they experienced as a child with a pet and several mentioned responsibility now in adulthood. One person gave meaning to responsibility – that it was a helpful experience in childhood and another named it as less fun in childhood. One person identified that having a dog allowed her to believe in her own ability to care-take for another living being. Another person described that the responsibility to care for her dog reminded her to also care for herself. In this respect, having caretaking responsibility for a pet is a way that pets can sustain us through difficult times. In crises or stress we may forget or de-prioritize our own care, but because of our need to look after our pet we can be reminded to look after ourselves – eating or going for a walk. These activities of caretaking for a pet may also have vicarious positive effects for our own health and well-being even when we may not be able to focus on ourselves.

“I enjoyed taking care of my dog as a kid. I think it made me feel good to be given responsibilities of feeding or walking the dog.”

“I truly learned about the support of a pet by having Charlie. I had budgies as a kid, but my recollection of them is that they were more of a chore than an emotionally supportive presence in my life.”

“Growing up with a dog taught me about responsibility and about caring for animals.”

“Having a pet now has more meaning than when I was a child. As a child it was great at the beginning but then reality set in…walking, feeding and taking care of the pet would not be fun as a child.”

“During those time of travel, having Charlie meant that I had to take care of a living being other than myself. I could no longer focus entirely on myself – but had to plan around Charlie’s needs. This was very helpful, because it brought me back to some of the basics that I was actually neglecting for myself: one night I went to bed and then realized that I hadn’t fed Charlie…I raced out to put a bowl of food together for him…then realized I hadn’t fed myself.”

“She is my responsibility. Having a dog means you have to be home, have to walk it. Have to respond to its needs.”

“I might have been fearful as Little dog was when he first moved in. This fear was in relationship to me being unsure about having care-taking skills. However, my desire of rescuing this dog was more important than my own doubts and fears at the time, and luckily it happened that way. Little dog came into my life to challenge those ideas about doubt and taught me that I am actually not too bad on the care-taking job. It is a position of taking care of them, but in a very special way, caring for their well being and basic needs as they can’t provide that for themselves, but also caring for our relationship of companionship by providing support to each other when needed.”


Offering roles we might not otherwise have access to: Being a Parent

A significant theme for people without (human) children is the experience of being a parent to their pet. Being in a parent role or experiencing having a “child” to care for is meaningful and important to those of us who do not have human children to parent. Pets allow us to be a parent when we might have otherwise thought we lacked the skills or qualities to be in this role or identity. Through family and friends we have an audience to our parent “identity”.

“He is like my child. I was unable to get pregnant after many years of trying and I now have a stepson and him, these are my children. I adore them.”

“Never having been the mother of a human child, I feel they introduced me to the mother in me.”

“We refer to her as our daughter or baby and all our family and friends take on grandma and auntie roles.”

“Miresa completes the life I have with Theresa. Theresa and I have a great relationship going on 6 years and bringing Miresa into it has fulfilled our parenting desires.”

“He is my baby.”

“She completes our family, she is my baby.”


How pets change us / what they teach us:

The experience of having a pet changes us. We are not the same after this experience. We change, we learn, we grow – we are fundamentally different as a result of our pets. Our pets teach us about ourselves, they teach us skills, and they help us practice ways of being that we couldn’t with people. Some people spoke about how their pet constantly reminded them of what is important in life – some of the more simple or basic things to not overlook and that being reminded of the basics was helpful or grounding for them. Having a pet can have a downside for some, but overwhelmingly the pluses outweigh the negatives.

“Life was never the same as we had a beam of innocent pink love in our home all the time.”

“He’s taught me that it’s alright just to be me; I am enough.”

“It’s a privilege to own a dog in your life and it gives so much joy and happiness.”

“I think I have a great ability to engage with the world and with people with a more loving and gentle spirit – I also know the cost of this – the responsibility of attending to another so constantly. Worth it though.”

“They taught what it looked like to completely relax into love.”

[in response to what difference has a pet made to your life:] “Someone else to truly, truly love unconditionally and who truly loves you unconditionally.”

“Joe has taught me to be happy with what you have.”

“[having a pet has made] So much of a difference. I am happier, more balanced, more confident and healthier than I was before Charlie came into my life. He has helped me relate better to myself and to other people over time.”

“Our two cats have taught me to nurture innocent beings, to be silly and childish, to be completely openhearted, to love unconditionally, to be frightened of aging and death.”

“They taught me about being dignified while being very ill.

“Onyx grounds me and she reminds me to live simply. She lives the most simple life and is happy, so I try to follow her example.”

Charlie adds balance to my life; he brings me back to reality and grounds me in what is truly important in life – not a lot besides food in the belly, a drink of water, a safe place to sleep and someone to love and be loved by.”

“I value the things that I’ve learned about myself and about them. I have come to learn that because you are not human you deserve less respect of care. It helped me understand that no matter what category of living thing you are, we all deserve to be respected and treated well.”

“She taught me courage…”

“They taught me about forgiveness, e.g., Emily got locked in the basement without food or water for 3 days while we were away and a tenant was coming in to feed the cats. The tenant thought Emily was hiding. She was so thirsty and hungry upon our return.”

[he has taught me:] “not to judge” “many things don’t really matter” and “warmth, generosity and a loving response to the world are so very important”

“It has been three years and Theresa and I still act like we just brought her home. We must have a thousand pictures of her and we still keep taking them at every moment that feels unique. The commitment and responsibility we have is incredible to see. Outsiders think we are newlyweds with a puppy.”

“She makes me happy. I think I am a happier person because I have a dog.”

“Emily came home with me. That little sweet being cracked my heart wide open.”

“Coal has taught me to be more mindful of when I have tone in my voice with my partner. She gets anxious when we start to bicker.”


Caretaking of pet memories:

Having a pet gives us many special moments. We hold on to these moments and revisit them to warm and uplift us. While our pet might not be still with us, they are not forgotten. As one person said:

“Vague foggy memories of old and long gone pets from my childhood bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart and life. They kinda lay the heartstrings of your life, and they make a beautiful music that stays with you forever.”

Shanan shares her responses

1. Can you tell me a little about your pet (name, breed, personality) and how you came into each other's lives?

I have a greyhound Onyx who we rescued. My husband and I had a dog that we had to put down and we wanted to take a year to heal and research what kind of dog we wanted to get next. We started researching greyhounds because the characteristics of the breed matched our lifestyle and our likes and dislikes. My husband often checked the website of the Greyhound Rescue Agency in Ingersoll and after around 2 months he found a dog whose eyes reminded us of our first dog. We had to go see her and ended up bringing her home.

2. Can you say a little about what it is you enjoy doing together – are there certain activities your pet most enjoys?
Onyx is a big fan of sleeping - as am I. Onyx also likes to run which I do as well. My favourite thing is to give her love by rubbing her ears, petting her head and telling her she is a good girl.

3. When you are doing these activities what is it that you notice about your pet that lets you know they are enjoying the activity?

Onyx gets 'sleepy' eyes - they are have closed and I can just feel that she is relaxed and happy. We have great eye contact which I love.

4. When you are enjoying spending time with your pet, what is it about you that your pet would notice that would let s/he know you are enjoying being together?

I sit still (which I don't do often) and I speak in a soothing voice (which I also don't do often)

5. What does having a pet mean to you?
As evidenced in the fact that my husband and I only survived 2 months without a dog. When we didn't have a dog it felt like that our home didn't have a soul. She completes our family, she is my baby.

6. What contributions does your pet make to your life? Can you tell a small story to illustrate this?

I love yoga and Onyx will sometimes come into my yoga room and sit with me. I feel like she does yoga with me even though most of the time she just sits there or stands there, but she likes to be touching me. Often when I do a standing forward bend she will stand in front of me and I rest my head on her back and scratch her belly.

7. What kinds of things has your pet taught you? – About yourself or about life?

Onyx grounds me and she reminds me to live simply. She lives the most simple life and is happy, so I try to follow her example. She also does not like fighting. If my husband and I are argueing she tries to walk between us as if to tell us to knock it off. She also tries to get in between us if we are play fighting. This always makes me laugh and reminds me that we need to think about the things that make us angry and try not to react negatively to inconsequential things.

8. What kinds of things might your pet know or notice about you that people might overlook or not know?

Onyx knows my temper and she hates when I yell.

9. What do you think you bring to your pet's life?

I provide Onyx a safe home with regular meals and lots of love which she did not get for the first five years of her life at the race track.

10. What kind of little things do you do for your pet that would let them know you care for them?

I scratch her head almost every time I walk by her to let her know it means a lot to me that she is there by my side. I take her to the dog park when I can and let her run. I take care of her, feed her, walk her, give her treats and tell her she is a good girl as much as possible.

11. What kinds of things does your pet do to let you know they care for you?

She loves to rub her head on my leg and she gives me kisses.

12. Are you able to be yourself with your pet in ways that you aren't able with people? If so, how?

I generally do not behave differently in different situations. I have cried with my dog when I am really sad and not wanted to be around people.

13. If you could see yourself through your pets' eyes, what would you most value or appreciate about yourself?

The love and head scratching.

14. What do you value about having a pet?

Companionship and unconditional love.

15. What difference has your pet made to your life? In what ways are you or your life different with having a pet than if you didn't?

Onyx completes our family and it is nice to come home everyday to have someone excited to see you. She makes me happy. I think I am a happier person because I have a dog.

16. What is it like to talk about your pet in this way? Has it got you thinking anything that you may not have previously?

I like answering questions about my dog. No, I don't take my dog for granted, I appreciate her and think about these types of things often.

Morning Pet Rituals

Watch Miresa brush her teeth!

Thanks to Mirna for sharing this video.

my answers to some of these questions...

Please know that there are no “right” answers! I’m including mine just as an example, but not one to be adhered to in any way. However you would like to answer some or all of the questions is completely ok.

My experience with pets…

I grew up on a farm with many different animals. We always had a dog and many different barn cats growing up. While I still love all furry creatures, as a child I was most drawn to the cats and many days would return to the house covered in straw and cat hair after an afternoon of “cat play” in the hair loft. Some of the cats were very good-natured about my interest in them – one big white cat I remember was relaxed enough to sit in my bicycle basket as I took her for a ride around the driveway. I always really appreciated the cats’ calmness, softness, and warmth. I went to them often when I was upset and I remember how soothing it was to pet them and feel them purr under my hand. I liked that the cats seemed to like my company and enjoy my attention and affection. They just seemed happy to be petted and that made me happy. I also think that spending so much time with the cats helped to teach me to appreciate time that is quiet and calm. Even now, while I don’t live with a cat, I can reconnect with tranquility and calmness if I stop to pet a cat. The cat that I had as an adult, Jimmy, would always run to the door when I came home – I loved that he seemed happy to see me. Our few minutes together in the door way helped me to shift gears from my work day into my home life. Even now I have a picture of him for my wallpaper on my work computer and just looking at him helps me to feel calm and relaxed because he looks that way.